A good electrician

While a shoe addict is wired to see life as a series of shoe-wearing opportunities, a writer is wired to see her life unfold in metaphors.

Unsolicited, my realtor had set me up with an electrician to install pot lights, assuming I needed them.  Maybe my lighting situation was just fine the way it was.

I called the electrician several times but he never called back.  Annoyed, I left a message asking if he was still interested. He texted me back to say that he was busy and that I should find someone else.

OMG, did my electrician just dump me over text?

My life suddenly felt void of light. I asked friends but no one knew of an electrician that was free. I started to get worried. Was I ever going to find an electrician?

As my desperation started to mount, a friend recommended her old electrician. Sure, she had always complained about him, but I had no other options. The day before he was scheduled to come over, I received a weird cancellation voice mail from a stranger. Suspicious, I called my electrician. He didn’t realize it was me and answered. Embarrassed, he stuttered through an incoherent excuse.

“So, are you not coming over tomorrow?” I could hear in the background that he was at another job.

“It’s not going to work out,” he responded.

OMG, did my electrician just get his contractor buddy to call and dump me?

He said he’d call back to reschedule but never did. I was starting to feel very insecure about my condo’s ability to attract electricians.

Desperate, I took to the Internet and was shocked to see how many electricians that were available. Or were they? Many were not interested in my condo but I finally found one.

Could he have smelled a little better? Yes. Could he have adopted a speaking instead of a yelling voice? Yes. But he was respectful and decent and got the job done.

And that is the end of the metaphor because while I may have settled for an electrician, there are some things in life you just don’t settle for. Like a bad glass of wine, of course.

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On Unleashing the Beast Within

Over the years many have made note of my “healthy competitive drive”, often accompanied with belittlement and such descriptors as “obnoxious” and “obsessive”. I do not consider myself more competitive than most, just more outwardly expressive of this quality. Although, I admit, I’m very annoying to play cards with.

There is a fine line between driven and crazy. Case in point: when I run on the treadmill, I like to run faster than the person beside me. I don’t stop running before they stop. The other day I notice the girl beside me is booting it. When I run faster, so does she. I’m killing myself trying to keep up with my fine new adversary. My admiration soon turns into irritation. When is this bitch going to stop running? It is at this point that I realize that I’m running beside a mirror and, in fact, the girl running beside me is my own reflection.

I was both aghast and delighted. Firstly: I look so hardcore when I run! Secondly: the metaphorical nature of this story is astounding. Thirdly: yes, I am slightly crazy. But this is the kind of crazy that I embrace. I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am without this competitive beast within.

And so I say to my reflection in the mirror: Bring it.

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Why I can’t be a spy

It’s a fact. Female spies are hot. I’ve studied Angelina Jolie’s movies and have come to terms with the fact that the world of espionage is not for me. I will have to find other ways to look hot, like blogging.

These are the important things I think about in my spare time:

  • I can’t run anywhere near as well as Tom Cruise.
  • I can’t fight in heels. In fact, I can’t fight.
  • I’m not at my best when I’m hungry, have had less than 6 hours sleep, am having a bad hair day (see Overpriced hair), have had more than 2 glass of wine or if Starbucks is out of biscotti. Other than that I’m good. About 5% of the time.
  • I get disoriented coming of out elevators, when in buildings, and at any point when driving.
  • I’m screwed if the MapQuest directions are wrong.
  • When I’m stressed, I really just need to stop. And drink.

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Things that make me cry (that shouldn’t)

  • Bad haircuts (See Overpriced Hair)
  • Handicapped dogs
  • Pinot Grigio, but only out of love
  • The “Thank You Mom” P&G commercial. I’m not a mom or an Olympic athlete (breaking news, I know!), but apparently I’m very easily manipulated by marketers.

http://youtu.be/NScs_qX2Okk.

  • But seriously, who didn’t bawl like a baby during the first 5 minutes of UP?

  • I’m a sucker for every time the fat kid/loser rocks it on reality TV.

  • Grey’s Anatomy. I had to choose happiness and stop watching it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrTXT8lnhKc

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