Burlesque Strippers and Snowstorms

What do burlesque strippers and snowstorms have in common? The correct answer is that they should have absolutely nothing in common. But if you’re me, they’re quite commonly common.

In my (yet-to-be) illustrious career as an author, I’ve had two book events: my book launch party, which was double booked with a burlesque strip show (naturally), and a Meet & Greet at Indigo, which happened to coincide with Snowmageddon 2013. Burlesque strippers and angry snowstorms, both formidable forces of nature, have unceremoniously shut down my author events.

Burlesque

Amidst the burlesque stripping/my book launch party, my good friend Brad consoled me: “Girls get upset because they have a vision, and guys just roll with it.” I suspect it’s a lot easier for guys to roll with it when there’s nudity involved, but I got the message.

In a visit to the unfamiliar territory of turning lemons into lemonadethese unwelcome events have taught me how to turn that frown upside down! 🙂

Little known fact: did you know that burlesque stripping, no matter how unexpected or inappropriate, is commonly enjoyed by all? And, my book event got rescheduled, allowing me a much longer time to milk it.

So how do I feel about my next author event? I’m ready for you, Irony, whatever you may bring. Because that’s how I roll (now).

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Little Black Dress

Hello lovelies

My closet has never met an LBD (translation for male readers: Little Black Dress) that it didn’t like. It’s a veritable LBD pimp – it’s never said no to an LBD I brought home. My closet houses a coven of 17 LBDs and they all live together in harmony. They bring me so much joy that my credit card and I have decided we will continue to make beautiful LBD babies.

My mom saw me wearing one such LBD and thought it prudent to advise me that its time is limited as one cannot wear a mini-skirt after a certain age. Although this wisdom was no doubt received from Emily Post’s Etiquette circa 1952, my harem of LBDs were offended at their suggested impending demise. I bought a pair of hot heels to make them feel better. After all, my LBDs do need something to play with.

I don’t propose to be a fashion expert, despite the disproportionate amount of my salary allocated to staying in fashion, but the LBD is the single best clothing investment you can make. I’m so convinced of this that I’ve multiplied my investment 17 times over. I don’t propose to be an investment adviser either, but if it makes you look and feel fabulous, it was money well spent my friend, no matter what your age.

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My (brief) time as a supermodel

As it was of no relevance or interest to me, I had not taken note of how many young, attractive women there were at my office until our National Sales Meeting. There was a large IT conference that was taking place at the same hotel and it was rife with Bill Gates-esque looking men. They looked like they all carried pocket algebra calculators and attended superhero conferences in costume. No doubt they also had an IQ double the size of mine and would soon rule the world.

One night, one such individual approached me and, enthused to the point of madness, declared that only supermodels worked at my company. Later, in the elevator, clones of this individual mobbed me to enthusiastically tell me where I worked. I felt like the ambassador of Victoria’s Secret secret supermodels.

Never before had men been so excited to speak to me. And never before had I been so struck by the power of relativity. This is the supermodel version of Einstein’s theory of relativity: the measurement of female attractiveness is relative to the nerdiness of the men observing said females, and is magnified by the likeness and size of opposing forces.

But as fleeting my time as a supermodel, I may as well revel in it. After all, these are very, very smart men.

Attempting supermodel-dom

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Things a Girl will Never Say

1. Do these pants make me look too skinny?

2. I look too hot in these photos.

3. OMG, these shoes are super cute!! I’m not gonna buy them.

4. I just got my period and I feel amazing!

5. I’m so excited to stay in tonight and watch UFC.

6. Those Victoria Secret models are so real.

7. I love it when you can see my panty lines through my pants.

8. That girl looks great with her boobs hanging out. She should do that more often.

9. Oh cool, I just got my first wrinkle!

10. I wish I could be more like Snooki.

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