25 Ways to Mock Me

I discovered a video cleverly disguised as 25 Ways to Wear a Scarf. At first blush, this video is sunshine and puppies. However, do not be fooled. This video is designed by a sadist to mock your lack of coordination and leave you emotionally fatigued to the point of self-despair. You will soon realize that the cute, delightful model is your nemesis, taunting your fashion naiveté and dreams of effortless style.

And so Fashion thrives, on our delusions that true happiness could only be realized by being skinny, beautiful and fashionable. For example, maybe I’m not a supermodel, but these shoes totally make me look like one from the ankle down. One could also tell by the nonchalant way in which I drape my scarf that I’m just as carefree as Kim Kardashian.

So in conclusion, I recommend you watch this video and if you figure out how to do the Basic Loop, please show me how!

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On Unleashing the Beast Within

Over the years many have made note of my “healthy competitive drive”, often accompanied with belittlement and such descriptors as “obnoxious” and “obsessive”. I do not consider myself more competitive than most, just more outwardly expressive of this quality. Although, I admit, I’m very annoying to play cards with.

There is a fine line between driven and crazy. Case in point: when I run on the treadmill, I like to run faster than the person beside me. I don’t stop running before they stop. The other day I notice the girl beside me is booting it. When I run faster, so does she. I’m killing myself trying to keep up with my fine new adversary. My admiration soon turns into irritation. When is this bitch going to stop running? It is at this point that I realize that I’m running beside a mirror and, in fact, the girl running beside me is my own reflection.

I was both aghast and delighted. Firstly: I look so hardcore when I run! Secondly: the metaphorical nature of this story is astounding. Thirdly: yes, I am slightly crazy. But this is the kind of crazy that I embrace. I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am without this competitive beast within.

And so I say to my reflection in the mirror: Bring it.

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Why I can’t be a spy

It’s a fact. Female spies are hot. I’ve studied Angelina Jolie’s movies and have come to terms with the fact that the world of espionage is not for me. I will have to find other ways to look hot, like blogging.

These are the important things I think about in my spare time:

  • I can’t run anywhere near as well as Tom Cruise.
  • I can’t fight in heels. In fact, I can’t fight.
  • I’m not at my best when I’m hungry, have had less than 6 hours sleep, am having a bad hair day (see Overpriced hair), have had more than 2 glass of wine or if Starbucks is out of biscotti. Other than that I’m good. About 5% of the time.
  • I get disoriented coming of out elevators, when in buildings, and at any point when driving.
  • I’m screwed if the MapQuest directions are wrong.
  • When I’m stressed, I really just need to stop. And drink.

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